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10 Things I�d Like to Change About Football
by: Sammy Jankus
9-5-2007
No athletic competition on earth today captures my attention quite like NCAA and NFL football. But after watching the stuff for 45 years, I�ve accumulated a storehouse of nagging complaints about the sport... particularly in its televised form. Let�s pretend, therefore, that I�ve somehow gained total mind control over NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, all the professional team owners, and the countless suits that spring from hiding whenever the NCAA is threatened. That�s right, I�m the Football Czar, and my powers are limitless... almost. Even though I get to make some serious changes to the sport I hold so dear, the contract�s fine print limits me to only ten. Fair enough � let�s get started!
(10) Say Goodbye to Artificial Turf. I know... they�re making it look more and more like real grass lately, but even the trendy FieldTurf � a significant improvement over AstroTurf � is still FAKE. Yard lines and hash marks were meant to be randomly scarred throughout a game by the fury of both players and the elements alike, and game uniforms should display similar signs of warfare: swaths of sweat-streaked dirt and grass, for instance. How disappointing that playing on the fake stuff deprives viewers of all these nuances. I�m sure the players would have no trouble adjusting as they would suffer fewer and less serious injuries from playing on a grass surface. John Madden (the NFL video game guy to you youngsters) has been adamant throughout his career that football achieves its purest form of entertainment when played outdoors on a grass field. He�s right, so while we�re ripping out all the carpet and replacing it with sod, let�s look beyond the playing field.
(9) No More Domed Stadiums. I can think of few scenarios more disappointing than being a Minnesota Vikings fan watching a late December game in the temperature-controlled comfort of a Metrodome suite. Have they forgotten about Bud Grant and Metropolitan Stadium and the Purple-People-Eaters and snow falling from a low gray sky? Those were FANS � the kind you can still find in Green Bay, Chicago, Cleveland and Buffalo... fans that would never accept an indoor venue, and would riot at the notion of reducing the NFL experience to a glorified version of Arena League football. Domed stadiums would�ve deprived us of the Ice Bowl between Dallas and Green Bay, the �snowplow incident� when a New England fan cleared the way for a game-winning field goal against Miami, and the way-below-zero AFC title game in Cincinnati where the Bengals derailed San Diego�s best shot at a Super Bowl under the great Don Coryell. Avoiding frostbite is one thing but how do you justify domed facilities in cities like Atlanta or Indianapolis or St. Louis? If Georgia Tech can play outdoors on a grass field in Atlanta on Saturday, why are the Falcons playing indoors on Sunday? To deny the players and fans of this great sport interaction with the wind and sky is almost unforgivable. Please note, however, that the Football Czar would consider a retractable roof stadium but only with the following stipulations: (1) The roof will remain open at all times except during severe weather, and (2) the playing field will always be natural grass (Reliant Stadium, home of the NFL�s Houston Texans, is an example of just such a hybrid venue). Also note that we will no longer allow games to be played on a field shared by football and baseball teams, as players should not have to risk injury from slipping on the dirt of a baseball infield!
(8) Identify the Players (NCAA only). Look, I�m in favor of team unity and tradition just as much as the next guy, but the idea that you can make a squad over achieve by leaving the players� names off their jerseys is about as outmoded as the Gatorade Shower. The casual home viewer usually doesn�t have a game program lying around next to the TV, so players need to be identifiable without constantly depending on the broadcast team or on-screen graphics. When you consider the current trend of almost limitless player substitutions on every down, keeping track of who�s who becomes even more difficult. If there was a direct correlation between the no-name approach and number of wins, I might be more accepting of the idea. But the most recent national champion, Florida, managed to win despite the fact that their players� last names were clearly visible (intense preparation and skilled, disciplined coaching proved to be the deciding factors). Honestly, there are only a handful of teams that still subscribe to this archaic practice, so enforcing the new law will not bankrupt the NCAA.
(7) A New Approach to End Zone Celebrations. The recent antics of Terrell Owens and others make me long for the days when spiking the football after scoring was considered an in-your-face insult. My solution? Send a video crew to the end zone during pregame warm-ups and invite each player to tape their version of a post-touchdown celebration. If they want to leap up and spike the ball over the crossbar, fine. If they want to do The Worm, The Funky Cold Medina, or turn somersaults off a trampoline, that�s okay. But when the game kicks off, players will be required to keep their mouths shut and hand the ball to an official after reaching paydirt. Then, the proper celebratory video clip will be shown on TV and the stadium Jumbotrons while play continues on the field and the teams send out personnel to attempt the extra point. But just to show you that the Football Czar doesn�t have a heart of stone, I will allow one current form of celebration to remain active: the Lambeau Leap. This unique form of expression allows players to closely interact with fans during an emotional moment � instead of taunting a beaten opponent.
(6) Ban All Sideline Reporters. Let�s say you�re Notre Dame Head Coach Charlie Weis and it�s halftime of last week�s nationally-televised disaster against Georgia Tech. After your team has punted four times and lost two fumbles en route to a 0-16 deficit, the last person you want to see is the sideline reporter for whatever network is covering the contest. As you fight off an overpowering urge to rip off their arm and beat them senseless with the appendage, you have to formulate an answer to a statement like �...not much offense out there today, coach. How do you plan to turn things around in the second half?� If I had a dollar for every time I�ve seen a sideline reporter initiate a conversation that yielded absolutely zero meaningful information, I�d have my own Lear jet to fly to the Super Bowl. Granted, a few useful nuggets of info ( injury reports, for example) do arise on the sidelines but can just as easily be delivered by the play-by-play team. The networks have tried everything � experiments with former players gone horribly awry (Eric Dickerson), preening fashion mavens (Lesley Visser, Lisa Guerrero) or stunningly beautiful and intelligent women (Jill Arrington) � but none of it works. Once this law is passed, the Football Czar will undoubtedly receive many a holiday gift basket from grateful coaches all across America.
(5) Get Rid of the �Knee� Rule (NCAA only). It�s third and long with time running out, and your team needs a touchdown to cover the pointspread. Your quarterback has been hammered all day by a fearsome pass rush and when the ball is snapped for this crucial play, the enemy brings the heat once more. This time, however, your wily field general lobs a screen pass to a wide-open running back who has settled behind a convoy of blockers. But with the goal line in plain sight, the guy slips and falls behind the line of scrimmage and the play is blown dead. How many times have you seen a potentially huge gain negated because a college player�s knee hit the ground when the opponent had yet to lay a finger on him? You won�t see that in the NFL, where a player can crawl on his belly like a reptile the entire length of the field until he�s downed by contact. Every time I�m watching a college game in a public place and this sort of thing occurs, a chorus of groans inevitably arises, followed by questions like, �When are they gonna get rid of that stupid rule?� Well, trouble yourselves no longer because I�m officially giving it the boot! Rules that unjustly penalize players should be revoked or amended, and the ridiculous �down because his knee touched the ground� rule is one of the biggest offenders.
(4) No More Kneel-downs at Game�s End. As long as we�re on the subject of genuflecting, let�s ditch the rule that allows a quarterback to take a knee in order to run out the game clock. One of the most famous plays in NFL history, the �Miracle in the Meadowlands,� took place because Giants� QB Joe Pisarcik chose to run the ball with 31 seconds remaining while protecting a 17-12 lead. The famously bobbled handoff resulted in a fumble � which was scooped up and returned for the game-winning score by Philadelphia�s Herman Edwards. Wouldn�t you rather entertain the possibility of something like that happening as opposed to ending a game because someone�s knee touches the ground every 30 seconds? Here�s the new plan: the team possessing the ball in the closing moments must attempt to make positive yardage on every play from scrimmage until the gun sounds. Taking a knee will now cost the offending team loss of down and a 15-yard penalty. Hey, this way it really ain�t over until it�s over!
(3) Fix the Rules for Overtime. We shouldn�t get many arguments here because BOTH the NFL and NCAA versions of overtime are in need of repair. The college fix is easy: start spotting the ball at midfield instead of the 25-yard line to begin overtime. As it stands now, three plays netting zero yards on offense still gives the kicker a makeable 42-yard field goal attempt. But if play began at the 50-yard line, the offense would have to gain at least one first down before a field goal could be seriously considered. Other than this one change, let�s leave the NCAA version intact. Since it�s proven that the team winning the coin flip in the NFL�s version of overtime usually wins the game as well, let�s adopt the college formula of alternating possessions. But instead of spotting the ball at midfield, why not up the entertainment ante and have the teams kick off like always? Then, as an added bonus, we�ll require any team that answers a touchdown with another touchdown to go for the two-point conversion and the outright win. Finally, just like the underclassmen, the big boys would play until a winner was decided. No more of this 5 quarters and you go home with a tie nonsense. As much as tickets cost these days, the NFL should present the stadium-going fan with a game that always ends in either victory or defeat.
(2) Change the Rules on Fumbling. The biggest hoax ever perpetrated on the football viewing public? That the ground can�t cause a fumble. Baloney! I don�t care if you trip over your own shoe laces or get buried beneath 700 pounds of rampaging humanity, if you don�t maintain possession of the ball until the whistle blows it�s a fumble! Think of it � no more watching endless slow-motion replays to determine if so-and-so�s knee was down or foot was in bounds before the ball came out. If the pigskin is no longer in the grasp of the ball carrier, it�s a fumble. This rule change will not produce a significant increase in the number of turnovers because we�re going to address one of the prime causes of fumbling next.
(1) No More �Stripping the Ball.� The great Vince Lombardi regarded football as a relatively simple game � it was all about blocking and tackling, and the team that performed those tasks more efficiently usually emerged the winner. Personally, I don�t think Vince would approve of the recent brand of street thuggery that�s infected the modern game: stripping the ball. What�s wrong with it? Just this � if you�re in pursuit of the ball carrier and cannot bring the man down with a legitimate attempt at tackling, you certainly shouldn�t be allowed to punch, pull, rip, gouge or karate kick the ball loose! Of course, there will always be instances where the ball is knocked free by an errant hand or from impact with a tackler�s helmet... that�s okay. But the Football Czar will no longer tolerate blatantly tackling the ball instead of the player. I realize today�s coaches actually spend practice time perfecting these nefarious skills but in my world, any instance of stripping the ball will result in a 15-yard penalty. Stop grabbing like a bunch of purse snatchers and play football!
Well, that�s about it. Whenever I come up with 10 more things I�d like to change about football, I�ll let you know. Regardless, here�s hoping that you have your most successful football season ever!
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